You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
