I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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