fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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