you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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