Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
