I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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