he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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