Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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