my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
