I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
