Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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