remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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