Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
