They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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