I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
