I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
