Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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