my sisters under your porch take her home
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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