at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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