I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize