Sry I called you an 8
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
