forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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