how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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