you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
