So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
