so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize