My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I am one with the molecules
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize