as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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