i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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