stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize