You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
