just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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