you guys were way drunker than both of me
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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