if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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