Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
