Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
