I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
