i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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