today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
