Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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