Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
