Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
