Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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