Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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