I just saw a hot homeless man
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
