I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
This baby is an asshole
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
