Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
