Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
