I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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