Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
