I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
