Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
