two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
