Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize