Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
