3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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