So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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