he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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