franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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