the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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